I am reading Henri Nouwen’s book “The Return of the Prodigal Son”. It has been the source of much contemplation over the past week.
Today I return to the question ‘How can I trust God?’
I can not make myself feel loved. I can not forgive myself. I can not welcome myself in. I can not invite myself to the feast. I can not even bring myself home.
Being the beloved is a gift. I can desire it, hope for it, wait for it and pray for it. But I can not create it. It must be given to me.
I am lost. I must be found and brought home by the shepherd that goes out to me.
"Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?" (Luke 15 : 4)
Friday 12 June 2009
Wednesday 10 June 2009
Trusting in God's love
Why do I find it so hard to trust in God’s love for me?
I remember even at the moment of my conversion I was afraid - afraid that God would let go of me. On many, many occasions since then, God has proven himself to be faithful. He has shown that his grasp on me is strong - that even when I reject him, he stays by my side.
"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand." John 10:27-28.
But still I doubt...
What if I finally make it home to find the Father not eagerly awaiting my return?
What if instead of welcoming me in he says 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.' (Matthew 25: 41-43)
Author Henri Nouwen suggests that surrendering to the Father's love requires a leap of faith because we have very little experience in unconditional love and don't know the healing power of this kind of love.
I have been blessed by the most wonderful loving family and some amazing friends. I know I am well loved. But is this human love conditional or more importantly do I believe it is conditional.
What about God?
God knows everything about me. Nothing is hidden from him.
Psalm 139: 1-4 “ O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.”
God is holy. He abhors sin. So how can he see beyond the pretence and look at the evil in my heart yet still love me.
Intellectually I know that the answer to this question is found at the foot of the cross.
"I do believe. Help me to overcome my unbelief” (Mark 9:24)
Tuesday 9 June 2009
Scum of the earth
1 Corinthians 4: 10 - 13
“We are fools for Christ, but you are so wise in Christ! We are weak, but you are strong! You are honored, we are dishonored! To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless. We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. Up to this moment we have become the scum of the earth, the refuse of the world.”
Am I willing to be like Paul – to be a considered a fool for Christ? Am I prepared to be on life’s scrap-heap? Am I ready to put aside the things of this world, the things I have built up and relied on, the things that tell me I’m worthwhile, that I am somebody?
Who is Jill without the world props of work and position and money and deeds?
I am a child of the Father – that is who I am and that is everything. One day I will hear the Lord say 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.’
Why then do I act like it isn’t enough?
Why do I need to safeguard against failure? Why do I want to have a backup plan?
Do I not trust that God’s love is strong enough to carry me through? Do I not believe that his grace is greater than my sinfulness?
What kind of God do I trust in?
“We are fools for Christ, but you are so wise in Christ! We are weak, but you are strong! You are honored, we are dishonored! To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless. We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. Up to this moment we have become the scum of the earth, the refuse of the world.”
Am I willing to be like Paul – to be a considered a fool for Christ? Am I prepared to be on life’s scrap-heap? Am I ready to put aside the things of this world, the things I have built up and relied on, the things that tell me I’m worthwhile, that I am somebody?
Who is Jill without the world props of work and position and money and deeds?
I am a child of the Father – that is who I am and that is everything. One day I will hear the Lord say 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.’
Why then do I act like it isn’t enough?
Why do I need to safeguard against failure? Why do I want to have a backup plan?
Do I not trust that God’s love is strong enough to carry me through? Do I not believe that his grace is greater than my sinfulness?
What kind of God do I trust in?
Monday 8 June 2009
The Prodigal Daughter
The parable of the prodigal son has always held a special meaning for me. It was the passage through which God spoke into my heart at my conversion, and it is rich with symbolism as I walk the long and arduous road which is the Christian life.
The pain of being far away in a distant land, feeling wretched and desolate is real. As is the desperate longing to be home. I yearn to be embraced by the father, to be held secure and to hear him say "You are my beloved daughter, on you my favour rests".
And yet, it is I who have left the safety of home, I who continue to leave it. I am the rebellious one who has turned away.
The father waits with outstretched arms, looking for any sign of me returning. The blessings he has for me are mine for the taking.
If what I ache for is there waiting for me, why don't I run home with all my might? Why am I still stranded out here all alone?
Wednesday 3 June 2009
Luke 8: 42 - 48 As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, but no one could heal her. She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped.
"Who touched me?" Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you."
But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me."
Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."
Longing to be called daughter
Longing to be at peace
"Who touched me?" Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you."
But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me."
Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."
Longing to be called daughter
Longing to be at peace
Wednesday 4 February 2009
My response to Psalm 73
Thursday 6 November 2008
PSALM 23 - Complete
The LORD's my shepherd
God Almighty, the Creator, He who holds the universe in His hand, the King of Kings, the Lion of Judah, the Lord of armies, the great I AM, is my protector, my guard, my carer, my leader.
I shall not be in want
He knows what I need and what is good for me, and he provides all this. He allows me to flourish. In Him I am satisfied.
He leads me beside quiet waters
He brings me rest, refreshment, serenity. He stills my anxieties.
He restores my soul
He offers renewal. I draw strength from His presence, from His nearness. I am made whole in Him.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
He has a path mapped out for me. He walks beside me and shows me the way. His plan is to prosper me, to give me hope and a future.
For his name's sake
The way in which he cares for me shows His true nature - his justice and his mercy. In my walk with Him, I am but a mere reflection. All glory and honour is to Him.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
There are times of great distress, when I feel isolated and abandoned. It's then that the Black Dog bares his teeth and Satan prowls around. My fear overtakes me and you seem so far away.
I will fear no evil
Even when I can’t feel your presence, I must trust that you are there. You have kept your promises to your chosen people since the beginning of time, and you have kept your promises to me, time and again. You meter out the strength I need moment to moment. Because you are on my side, I know that the darkness will not be victorious. You have defeated death. You have overcome the world.
For you are with me
Wherever I go, you are with me. When I ride the crest of the highest wave - you are there. When I sink to the depths - you do not desert me. When the night is at its darkest you are closer to me than ever.
Your rod and staff they comfort me
You are my support, my rescuer, my guide and my protector. You bring warm, tender, gentle reassurance. You gather me in your arms and carry me close to your heart.
You prepare a table before me, in the presence of my enemies
You invite me to your banquet table where I revel in your presence. You lift me up – up above my adversaries, above my foes. You chain the Black Dog and you silence the Accuser.
You anoint my head with oil
You show me that I am your precious one, your honoured guest.
My cup overflows
You pour out your love. You pour out your grace. Your pour out your mercy. Your blessings overflow and will never run dry. I experience you intimately and I enjoy your lavish provision. I will never exhaust your love for me. I will never demand more than you can give.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life
Your covenant promises - your love, your mercy and your grace are always with me. Even when in foolishness I try to run from you, you pursue me. You hold me tight and let nothing snatch me from your grasp.
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever
I am yours today, tomorrow and forever. I have the gift of your Spirit within me and I await the day when you will wipe every tear from my eyes. I will hear you say “I am making everything new” and I will praise you in rapture evermore.
God Almighty, the Creator, He who holds the universe in His hand, the King of Kings, the Lion of Judah, the Lord of armies, the great I AM, is my protector, my guard, my carer, my leader.
I shall not be in want
He knows what I need and what is good for me, and he provides all this. He allows me to flourish. In Him I am satisfied.
He leads me beside quiet waters
He brings me rest, refreshment, serenity. He stills my anxieties.
He restores my soul
He offers renewal. I draw strength from His presence, from His nearness. I am made whole in Him.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
He has a path mapped out for me. He walks beside me and shows me the way. His plan is to prosper me, to give me hope and a future.
For his name's sake
The way in which he cares for me shows His true nature - his justice and his mercy. In my walk with Him, I am but a mere reflection. All glory and honour is to Him.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
There are times of great distress, when I feel isolated and abandoned. It's then that the Black Dog bares his teeth and Satan prowls around. My fear overtakes me and you seem so far away.
I will fear no evil
Even when I can’t feel your presence, I must trust that you are there. You have kept your promises to your chosen people since the beginning of time, and you have kept your promises to me, time and again. You meter out the strength I need moment to moment. Because you are on my side, I know that the darkness will not be victorious. You have defeated death. You have overcome the world.
For you are with me
Wherever I go, you are with me. When I ride the crest of the highest wave - you are there. When I sink to the depths - you do not desert me. When the night is at its darkest you are closer to me than ever.
Your rod and staff they comfort me
You are my support, my rescuer, my guide and my protector. You bring warm, tender, gentle reassurance. You gather me in your arms and carry me close to your heart.
You prepare a table before me, in the presence of my enemies
You invite me to your banquet table where I revel in your presence. You lift me up – up above my adversaries, above my foes. You chain the Black Dog and you silence the Accuser.
You anoint my head with oil
You show me that I am your precious one, your honoured guest.
My cup overflows
You pour out your love. You pour out your grace. Your pour out your mercy. Your blessings overflow and will never run dry. I experience you intimately and I enjoy your lavish provision. I will never exhaust your love for me. I will never demand more than you can give.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life
Your covenant promises - your love, your mercy and your grace are always with me. Even when in foolishness I try to run from you, you pursue me. You hold me tight and let nothing snatch me from your grasp.
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever
I am yours today, tomorrow and forever. I have the gift of your Spirit within me and I await the day when you will wipe every tear from my eyes. I will hear you say “I am making everything new” and I will praise you in rapture evermore.
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