I am reading Henri Nouwen’s book “The Return of the Prodigal Son”. It has been the source of much contemplation over the past week.
Today I return to the question ‘How can I trust God?’
I can not make myself feel loved. I can not forgive myself. I can not welcome myself in. I can not invite myself to the feast. I can not even bring myself home.
Being the beloved is a gift. I can desire it, hope for it, wait for it and pray for it. But I can not create it. It must be given to me.
I am lost. I must be found and brought home by the shepherd that goes out to me.
"Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?" (Luke 15 : 4)
Friday, 12 June 2009
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
Trusting in God's love
Why do I find it so hard to trust in God’s love for me?
I remember even at the moment of my conversion I was afraid - afraid that God would let go of me. On many, many occasions since then, God has proven himself to be faithful. He has shown that his grasp on me is strong - that even when I reject him, he stays by my side.
"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand." John 10:27-28.
But still I doubt...
What if I finally make it home to find the Father not eagerly awaiting my return?
What if instead of welcoming me in he says 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.' (Matthew 25: 41-43)
Author Henri Nouwen suggests that surrendering to the Father's love requires a leap of faith because we have very little experience in unconditional love and don't know the healing power of this kind of love.
I have been blessed by the most wonderful loving family and some amazing friends. I know I am well loved. But is this human love conditional or more importantly do I believe it is conditional.
What about God?
God knows everything about me. Nothing is hidden from him.
Psalm 139: 1-4 “ O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.”
God is holy. He abhors sin. So how can he see beyond the pretence and look at the evil in my heart yet still love me.
Intellectually I know that the answer to this question is found at the foot of the cross.
"I do believe. Help me to overcome my unbelief” (Mark 9:24)
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
Scum of the earth
1 Corinthians 4: 10 - 13
“We are fools for Christ, but you are so wise in Christ! We are weak, but you are strong! You are honored, we are dishonored! To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless. We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. Up to this moment we have become the scum of the earth, the refuse of the world.”
Am I willing to be like Paul – to be a considered a fool for Christ? Am I prepared to be on life’s scrap-heap? Am I ready to put aside the things of this world, the things I have built up and relied on, the things that tell me I’m worthwhile, that I am somebody?
Who is Jill without the world props of work and position and money and deeds?
I am a child of the Father – that is who I am and that is everything. One day I will hear the Lord say 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.’
Why then do I act like it isn’t enough?
Why do I need to safeguard against failure? Why do I want to have a backup plan?
Do I not trust that God’s love is strong enough to carry me through? Do I not believe that his grace is greater than my sinfulness?
What kind of God do I trust in?
“We are fools for Christ, but you are so wise in Christ! We are weak, but you are strong! You are honored, we are dishonored! To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless. We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. Up to this moment we have become the scum of the earth, the refuse of the world.”
Am I willing to be like Paul – to be a considered a fool for Christ? Am I prepared to be on life’s scrap-heap? Am I ready to put aside the things of this world, the things I have built up and relied on, the things that tell me I’m worthwhile, that I am somebody?
Who is Jill without the world props of work and position and money and deeds?
I am a child of the Father – that is who I am and that is everything. One day I will hear the Lord say 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.’
Why then do I act like it isn’t enough?
Why do I need to safeguard against failure? Why do I want to have a backup plan?
Do I not trust that God’s love is strong enough to carry me through? Do I not believe that his grace is greater than my sinfulness?
What kind of God do I trust in?
Monday, 8 June 2009
The Prodigal Daughter
The parable of the prodigal son has always held a special meaning for me. It was the passage through which God spoke into my heart at my conversion, and it is rich with symbolism as I walk the long and arduous road which is the Christian life.
The pain of being far away in a distant land, feeling wretched and desolate is real. As is the desperate longing to be home. I yearn to be embraced by the father, to be held secure and to hear him say "You are my beloved daughter, on you my favour rests".
And yet, it is I who have left the safety of home, I who continue to leave it. I am the rebellious one who has turned away.
The father waits with outstretched arms, looking for any sign of me returning. The blessings he has for me are mine for the taking.
If what I ache for is there waiting for me, why don't I run home with all my might? Why am I still stranded out here all alone?
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Luke 8: 42 - 48 As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, but no one could heal her. She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped.
"Who touched me?" Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you."
But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me."
Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."
Longing to be called daughter
Longing to be at peace
"Who touched me?" Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you."
But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me."
Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."
Longing to be called daughter
Longing to be at peace
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
My response to Psalm 73
Thursday, 6 November 2008
PSALM 23 - Complete
The LORD's my shepherd
God Almighty, the Creator, He who holds the universe in His hand, the King of Kings, the Lion of Judah, the Lord of armies, the great I AM, is my protector, my guard, my carer, my leader.
I shall not be in want
He knows what I need and what is good for me, and he provides all this. He allows me to flourish. In Him I am satisfied.
He leads me beside quiet waters
He brings me rest, refreshment, serenity. He stills my anxieties.
He restores my soul
He offers renewal. I draw strength from His presence, from His nearness. I am made whole in Him.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
He has a path mapped out for me. He walks beside me and shows me the way. His plan is to prosper me, to give me hope and a future.
For his name's sake
The way in which he cares for me shows His true nature - his justice and his mercy. In my walk with Him, I am but a mere reflection. All glory and honour is to Him.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
There are times of great distress, when I feel isolated and abandoned. It's then that the Black Dog bares his teeth and Satan prowls around. My fear overtakes me and you seem so far away.
I will fear no evil
Even when I can’t feel your presence, I must trust that you are there. You have kept your promises to your chosen people since the beginning of time, and you have kept your promises to me, time and again. You meter out the strength I need moment to moment. Because you are on my side, I know that the darkness will not be victorious. You have defeated death. You have overcome the world.
For you are with me
Wherever I go, you are with me. When I ride the crest of the highest wave - you are there. When I sink to the depths - you do not desert me. When the night is at its darkest you are closer to me than ever.
Your rod and staff they comfort me
You are my support, my rescuer, my guide and my protector. You bring warm, tender, gentle reassurance. You gather me in your arms and carry me close to your heart.
You prepare a table before me, in the presence of my enemies
You invite me to your banquet table where I revel in your presence. You lift me up – up above my adversaries, above my foes. You chain the Black Dog and you silence the Accuser.
You anoint my head with oil
You show me that I am your precious one, your honoured guest.
My cup overflows
You pour out your love. You pour out your grace. Your pour out your mercy. Your blessings overflow and will never run dry. I experience you intimately and I enjoy your lavish provision. I will never exhaust your love for me. I will never demand more than you can give.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life
Your covenant promises - your love, your mercy and your grace are always with me. Even when in foolishness I try to run from you, you pursue me. You hold me tight and let nothing snatch me from your grasp.
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever
I am yours today, tomorrow and forever. I have the gift of your Spirit within me and I await the day when you will wipe every tear from my eyes. I will hear you say “I am making everything new” and I will praise you in rapture evermore.
God Almighty, the Creator, He who holds the universe in His hand, the King of Kings, the Lion of Judah, the Lord of armies, the great I AM, is my protector, my guard, my carer, my leader.
I shall not be in want
He knows what I need and what is good for me, and he provides all this. He allows me to flourish. In Him I am satisfied.
He leads me beside quiet waters
He brings me rest, refreshment, serenity. He stills my anxieties.
He restores my soul
He offers renewal. I draw strength from His presence, from His nearness. I am made whole in Him.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
He has a path mapped out for me. He walks beside me and shows me the way. His plan is to prosper me, to give me hope and a future.
For his name's sake
The way in which he cares for me shows His true nature - his justice and his mercy. In my walk with Him, I am but a mere reflection. All glory and honour is to Him.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
There are times of great distress, when I feel isolated and abandoned. It's then that the Black Dog bares his teeth and Satan prowls around. My fear overtakes me and you seem so far away.
I will fear no evil
Even when I can’t feel your presence, I must trust that you are there. You have kept your promises to your chosen people since the beginning of time, and you have kept your promises to me, time and again. You meter out the strength I need moment to moment. Because you are on my side, I know that the darkness will not be victorious. You have defeated death. You have overcome the world.
For you are with me
Wherever I go, you are with me. When I ride the crest of the highest wave - you are there. When I sink to the depths - you do not desert me. When the night is at its darkest you are closer to me than ever.
Your rod and staff they comfort me
You are my support, my rescuer, my guide and my protector. You bring warm, tender, gentle reassurance. You gather me in your arms and carry me close to your heart.
You prepare a table before me, in the presence of my enemies
You invite me to your banquet table where I revel in your presence. You lift me up – up above my adversaries, above my foes. You chain the Black Dog and you silence the Accuser.
You anoint my head with oil
You show me that I am your precious one, your honoured guest.
My cup overflows
You pour out your love. You pour out your grace. Your pour out your mercy. Your blessings overflow and will never run dry. I experience you intimately and I enjoy your lavish provision. I will never exhaust your love for me. I will never demand more than you can give.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life
Your covenant promises - your love, your mercy and your grace are always with me. Even when in foolishness I try to run from you, you pursue me. You hold me tight and let nothing snatch me from your grasp.
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever
I am yours today, tomorrow and forever. I have the gift of your Spirit within me and I await the day when you will wipe every tear from my eyes. I will hear you say “I am making everything new” and I will praise you in rapture evermore.
Monday, 3 November 2008
The Lord is my Shepherd Part II
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of the death
There are times of great darkness, when I feel trapped and alone. It's then that the Black Dog bares his teeth, my fear overtakes me and a loving God seems so far away.
I will fear no evil
Despite it all, I know you are faithful. You have kept your promises to your people since the beginning of time, and you have kept your promises to me. You give me the strength to face each moment and I know that you will catch me when I fall. Even when I don't feel your presence, I put my trust in you - for you are supremely powerful and when you are on my side, I have nothing to fear.
For you are with me
Whereever I go, you are with me. I know that the darker the shadow, the closer you are. If I ride the crest of the highest wave - You are there. If I sink to the depths - You are there. Even when, in my foolishness I thought I could run away from you, you have proved over again that you are always faithful and nothing can snatch me out of your hand.
Your rod and staff they comfort me
You are my support, my rescuer, my guide and my protector. You bring me warm, tender, gentle reassurance. You gather me in your arms and carry me close to your heart.
You prepare a table before me, in the presence of my enemies
You invite me to your banquet table, where I am your honored guest. You lift me up - above the hostile people and hostile circumstances all around me. The Accuser is silenced. The Black Dog is chained. We share an intimate time enjoying your lavish provision.
There are times of great darkness, when I feel trapped and alone. It's then that the Black Dog bares his teeth, my fear overtakes me and a loving God seems so far away.
I will fear no evil
Despite it all, I know you are faithful. You have kept your promises to your people since the beginning of time, and you have kept your promises to me. You give me the strength to face each moment and I know that you will catch me when I fall. Even when I don't feel your presence, I put my trust in you - for you are supremely powerful and when you are on my side, I have nothing to fear.
For you are with me
Whereever I go, you are with me. I know that the darker the shadow, the closer you are. If I ride the crest of the highest wave - You are there. If I sink to the depths - You are there. Even when, in my foolishness I thought I could run away from you, you have proved over again that you are always faithful and nothing can snatch me out of your hand.
Your rod and staff they comfort me
You are my support, my rescuer, my guide and my protector. You bring me warm, tender, gentle reassurance. You gather me in your arms and carry me close to your heart.
You prepare a table before me, in the presence of my enemies
You invite me to your banquet table, where I am your honored guest. You lift me up - above the hostile people and hostile circumstances all around me. The Accuser is silenced. The Black Dog is chained. We share an intimate time enjoying your lavish provision.
Saturday, 25 October 2008
The Lord's my shepherd
The LORD's my shepherd
God Almighty, the Creator, He who holds the universe in His hand, the King of Kings, the Lion of Judah, the Lord of armies, the great I AM, is my protector, my guard, my carer, my leader.
I shall not be in want
He knows what I need and what is good for me. He allows me to flourish. In Him I am satisfied.
He leads me beside quiet waters
He brings me rest, refreshment, serenity. He stills my anxieties.
He restores my soul
He brings renewal. I draw strength from His presence, from His nearness. I am made whole in Him.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
He has a path mapped out for me. He walks beside me and shows me the way.
For his name's sake
The way he cares for me shows his true nature - his justice and his mercy. It brings glory and honour to Him.
God Almighty, the Creator, He who holds the universe in His hand, the King of Kings, the Lion of Judah, the Lord of armies, the great I AM, is my protector, my guard, my carer, my leader.
I shall not be in want
He knows what I need and what is good for me. He allows me to flourish. In Him I am satisfied.
He leads me beside quiet waters
He brings me rest, refreshment, serenity. He stills my anxieties.
He restores my soul
He brings renewal. I draw strength from His presence, from His nearness. I am made whole in Him.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
He has a path mapped out for me. He walks beside me and shows me the way.
For his name's sake
The way he cares for me shows his true nature - his justice and his mercy. It brings glory and honour to Him.
Friday, 26 September 2008
What would it take for me to trust God?
Yeah I trust in You
I remember times you lead me
This time is bigger now
And I'm afraid you'll let me down
But how can I be certain
Will you prove yourself again
Cause I´m about to let go
And live what I believe
I can´t do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let Go (When let go)
What is this doubt in me
convincing me to fear the unknown
When I´m alone
You show Your plan is better than my own
And I know I won't make it
If I do this all alone
Cause I´m about to let go
And live what I believe
I can´t do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let go
Barlow Girl 'Let Go'
I remember times you lead me
This time is bigger now
And I'm afraid you'll let me down
But how can I be certain
Will you prove yourself again
Cause I´m about to let go
And live what I believe
I can´t do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let Go (When let go)
What is this doubt in me
convincing me to fear the unknown
When I´m alone
You show Your plan is better than my own
And I know I won't make it
If I do this all alone
Cause I´m about to let go
And live what I believe
I can´t do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let go
Barlow Girl 'Let Go'
Learning to trust in The Good Shepherd
Psalm 23: 1-3 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Isaiah 40:11 He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.
Luke 12:32 “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.”
John 10: 14, 27-28 "I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me…. My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.”
Revelations 7: 17 For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.
Sunday, 21 September 2008
Psalm 51
You do not delight in sacrifice, or would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.
Psalm 51: 16-17
I feel raw, broken open.
I long for some reassurance that God does not despise me.
Intellectually, I know that reassurance is found at the foot of the cross.
Emotionally though, I am just so in need of restoration.
How long O Lord, will I lie broken before you?
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.
Psalm 51: 16-17
I feel raw, broken open.
I long for some reassurance that God does not despise me.
Intellectually, I know that reassurance is found at the foot of the cross.
Emotionally though, I am just so in need of restoration.
How long O Lord, will I lie broken before you?
Monday, 1 September 2008
Loneliness
"Loneliness is more than the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person. Loneliness is a feeling of being cut off, disconnected and alienated from other people. Lonely people often experience a subjective sense of inner emptiness or hollowness, with feelings of separation or isolation from the world." Wikipedia
Is loneliness an emotional state to be avoided or is loneliness a call to live completely for God?
Is loneliness an emotional state to be avoided or is loneliness a call to live completely for God?
Sunday, 31 August 2008
The gospel of Jesus Christ
2 Corinthians 5:21
God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
31st August 2003 Conversion
Exactly 5 years ago today, after hearing Jaime preach a sermon on the Prodigal Son, I felt God calling me to be His daughter.
These last 5 years have been filled with such extremes (joy; despair; intimacy; loneliness; insecurity; love) that I barely know how to interpret my Christian life. But I have to ask myself, have I shed the old to embrace the new?
To quote Nouwen "Do I keep clutching my old ways of life with one hand, while with the other I beg people to help me change?"
To those who have grown accustom to my begging for help, I thank you for your love and support. I know that you are a wonderful gift from the Father.
Saturday, 30 August 2008
More on 'The Prodigal Son'
'One of the greatest challenges of the spiritual life is to receive God's forgiveness. There is something in us humans that keeps us clinging to our sins and prevents us from letting God erase out past and offer us a completely new beginning. Sometimes it even seems as though I want to prove to God that my darkness is too great to overcome. While God wants to restore me to the fully dignity of sonship, I keep insisting that I will settle for being a hired servant. But do I truly want to be restored to the full responsibility of the son? Do I truly want to be so totally forgiven that a completely new way of living becomes possible? Do I trust myself and such a radical reclamation? Do I want to break away from by deep-rooted rebellion against God and surrender myself so absolutely to God's love that a new person can emerge? Receiving forgiveness requires a total willingness to let God be God and do all the healing, restoring and renewing.'
Henri Nouwen "The Return of the Progical Son"
Henri Nouwen "The Return of the Progical Son"
Friday, 29 August 2008
The Return of the Prodigal Son
I am currently reading Henri Nouwen's 'The Return of the Prodigal Son'.
Through Nouwen's poignant treatment of the famous parable, I have been forced to confront what it means to let go of the old and let myself be held by a loving and forgiving God.
In my Father's arms...
"It is the place of light, the place of truth, the place of love. It is the place where I so much want to be, but am so fearful of being. It is the place where I will receive all that I desire, all that I ever hoped for, all that I will ever need, but it is also the place where I have to let go of all that I most want to hold on to. It is the place that confonts me with the fact that truly accepting love, forgiveness, and healing is often much harder than giving it. It is the place beyond earning, deserving, and rewarding. It is the place of surrender and complete trust"
Thursday, 28 August 2008
God is holding on
Isaiah 49:16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.
John 10: 27-28 My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.
Liminal
Liminality (from the Latin word līmen, meaning "a threshold) is a psychological, neurological, or metaphysical subjective, conscious state of being on the "threshold" of or between two different existential planes. The liminal state is characterized by ambiguity, openness, and indeterminacy. One's sense of indentity dissolves to some extent, bringing about disorientation. Liminality is a period of transition where normal limits to thought, self-understanding, and behavior are relaxed - a situation which can lead to new perspectives.
Tuesday, 26 August 2008
Oh, to be loved and to belong...
"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards and will the make the Valley of Achor a door of hope...I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one'. I will say to those called 'Not my people' 'You are my people' and they will say 'You are my God'."
Hosea 2: 14 -15, 23
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