INSOMNIA

"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep."

Stopped by Woods on a Snowy Evening

by Robert Frost

A bad night lies ahead

And a new day beyond that--

A simple sequence, but hard

To remember in the right order.

Psalm, The New Day

by Mark Jarman

What is my birthright?

In a conversation with my doctor yesterday, he was talking about 'my birthright' - in the context that it is my birthright to expect wellness, healing, happiness.

But of course, this is not my birthright.

Since the fall I have lost my birthright and am under the same curse as Eve "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." (Genesis 3:16).

My birthright as a result of the fall is pain, suffering and death.

I have never been so struck by the difference between the secular world and Christian world and our approach to our 'entitlements'.

Pain and Hope

I have often drawn comfort in verses which refer to God bringing hope in the morning.

Psalm 30 For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Psalm 130 My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.

Lamentations 3 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

There is a hope. A hope to cling to. The hope of newness and rejoicing the the morning.

And I give thanks that God gives me the strength to await the morning, to make it through the night.

However, I can't downplay how long and how dark the night can be.

And maybe I shouldn't.

If I downplay the suffering, I minimise how much God is glorified.

In keeping with my preceding post, if I am going to honor God by the day to day struggle of my illness, I'm going to stop feeling guilty about the fact that the nights are dark and long and hard and lonely.

And I will still hope for the morning.

Thorn in the side

I have been struggling once again, with the 'realities' of praying for healing. Some months ago I made the decision to stop praying for healing and instead to pray for God’s grace in submitting to His will (whatever that may be). But that’s proving to be hard. It's very hard.

I have been conflicted - should I return to praying for restoration and pray harder for God to heal me or should I just keep praying for the grace to go on day by day.

With thanks to Jason R. I have been looking at 2 passages: the persistent widow (Luke 18:1-8) and Paul's thorn (2 Corinthians 12).

I find it so weird that Paul only prayed 3 times for his thorn to be removed. Maybe being an apostle he received a special word from God, or maybe he was just able to 'get on with it'.

Anyway, with many tears, I will aim to follow Paul's lead and will continue to pray for the strength to get through each day and will pray that in some way through my brokenness, God's power will be shown.

My Big Black Dog

My Black Dog of Depression is howling tonight - he seems huge, he snarles and bares his teeth. He sits back on his haunches, as if ready to pounch and devour me.
But my Black Dog doesn't know that I am armed.
I am prepared.
My weapon will reduce him to a newborn pup - helpless and defenceless.

My weapon is the full armor of God.

Psalm 42: 5-6 Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Saviour and my God.

2 Corinthians 4: 8 -9, 16-18. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

The girl in the photo

"The girl in the photo, it's me. I remember her but she seems like someone I loved, but lost, and now grieve for. I want to write in the second or third person, to isolate myself from the 'Black Dog', to give the Dog its own entity, to show depression and me as two separates, living in parallel, occupying the same single, inseparable unity, greedily possessing and devouring each other..... I stopped being me a long time ago, and I grieve for the things the Black Dog has taken from me and buried like a bone in the dirt."

This is from a book called ' Journeys with the Black Dog'. The book comprises a variety of contributions from sufferers of Bipolar Disorder, working with the Black Dog Research Institute at UNSW. I had the opportunity to partake in a 12 month study with the Institute. They do great work there in raising awareness of Bipolar Disorder and in and researching effective treatment for this illness.

People Going Back to Church

?Coincidence?

'Coincidence = a striking occurrence of two or more events at one time apparently by mere chance'.
I prefer to believie in a sovereign God who ordains and organises every moment for His glory.

Case in point:
Yesterday I wasn't feeling great - had a doctor's appointment and decided to take rest of day off. After my appointment, went for coffee in Leichhardt. Ordered my Latte and grabbed a book to browse through.

At a nearby table I overheard 2 guys talking about the topic of suffering. Suffering in the Christian context. I tried not to eavesdrop, but it was really hard, given my interest in the subject matter.

Anyway it turns out that one of the guys was Byron Smith, whose blog "Nothing New Under the Sun" I regularly read. Byron went to college with one of my close friends. So I decided to sms this friend to tell him the weirdness of sitting in the coffee shop listening to this conversation.
My friend immediately sent an sms to Byron, drawing his attention to my presence.

So I pretty much had to introduce myself. We had a brief chat and I left feeling very much better and very encouraged.

For those of you who are interested, I think the main message is that whilst there are many hypotheses regarding why suffering exists, the answer to suffering is the good news of Jesus Christ.

Touched by Luke 8

Before the whole kitten thing, I started to write a post on Luke 8 - the Dead Girl and the Sick Woman. I have been working on this passage for bible study tonight. It's the first time I have led biblestudy, and in our group we prepare our own questions.

Most of the difficulty I'm having with the passage, is that I keep crying and have to stop.

There are a number of things in this passage that make me weep:

First the sick woman

• The state of the woman - whatever her condition she had clearly exhausted all medical efforts to gain healing, spending all she had on doctors (Mark 5:26)
• She was 'unclean'. This means she would have been shunned by her community. For if anyone touched her, they too would have been made unclean.
• Because of her 'unclean' status, she would not have been able to worship in the Synagogue. Even her relationship with God was somehow cut off.
• Then, with trembling hands, she reaches out to touch Jesus' garments - a tiny act of faith. She believes and is instantly healed.
• Here's the most beautiful part of the story for me.... Jesus calls her daughter. Apparently this tender address is used nowhere else in Jesus' recorded words. Oh what an amazing thing for Jesus to address her as daughter.
• And of course, rather than Jesus being made unclean by her, she is made clean by his touch.
• She is physically healed and spiritually freed. Alleluia!!!

Then Jairus and his daughter

• I can understand that allowing the daughter to die, provided Jesus with the opportunity to resurrect her. And it may have shown Jairus of the need for a patient, trusting faith, but the pain Jairus and his family must have gone through in those moments, is indescribable.

What did I learn

• That God is sovereign and Jesus has power over all things including sickness and death
• That I am not in the driver's seat (no matter how much I wish that were so).
• Ultimately trusting God means accepting his timing for events (and his sovereign outcomes).
• My faith must be vibrant and active in my day to day life but also patient. I must wait on the Lord, my Father, who knows best.

Australian Mist Kitten

I am currently thinking about getting a kitten. This little 2 week old will be up for adoption when he's 12 weeks old. He is an Australian Mist - apparently a good cat for indoors.

The other picture is his dad (Lord Purino Curtis) - gives you a better idea of what he'll look like when he grows up.

A dead girl and a sick woman

LUKE 8 : 40 - 56

Now when Jesus returned, a crowd welcomed him, for they were all expecting him. Then a man named Jairus, a ruler of the synagogue, came and fell at Jesus' feet, pleading with him to come to his house because his only daughter, a girl of about twelve, was dying.
As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, but no one could heal her. She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped. "Who touched me?" Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you."
But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me."
Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."
While Jesus was still speaking, someone came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue ruler. "Your daughter is dead," he said. "Don't bother the teacher any more."
Hearing this, Jesus said to Jairus, "Don't be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed."
hen he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child's father and mother. Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. "Stop wailing," Jesus said. "She is not dead but asleep."
They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead. But he took her by the hand and said, "My child, get up!" Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up. Then Jesus told them to give her something to eat. Her parents were astonished, but he ordered them not to tell anyone what had happened.

Hell - a fate worse than death

I have been really interested in reading about Hell - particularly why we should believe in its existence. Three reasons have been suggested:
1. Jesus' direct references to hell - His passionate and graphic representations of hell should leave us with no doubt as to its reality
2. Hell's own importance - the nature of the place and the way our view of it reveals our understanding of God (I'm not sure I really get these points fully, but apparently we can be so humanity-focussed as to think that everything exists for the good of mankind - clearly not so when many will be condemned to hell; alternatively we can have a man-centred view of sin where we are only concerned with those 'wrongs' which affect others, and do not give due respect to the offence we cause our holy God. )
3. Love demands it - this seems so contradictory, doesn't it? How can love demand eternal torment? However, if the love we profess as believers has no place for hell, it’s not a robust love, but rather just superficial sentimentality. Jesus is our Saviour. – which necessarily implies being the saviour of something or from something. He has saved us from hell.
I think Mark is a great verse for talking about hell (I am particularly impacted my the responsibility to avoid causing the little ones who believe in Jesus to sin - a big Sunday School application I think).

Ref: Mark 9:42-50”Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung round his neck and he were thrown into the sea. And if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than with two hands to go to hell, to the unquenchable fire. And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life lame than with two feet to be thrown into hell. And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into hell, where their worm does not die and the fire is not quenched. For everyone will be salted with fire. Salt is good, but if the salt has lost its saltiness, how will you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another.”

I'm sure many of you have thoughts/comments about this. Please post comments

It's 1.15am and I should be sleeping

In silence, thoughts have taken flight
Like constellations filling night.
Conceptions born in mind ignite
A sleepless plight, a sleepless plight.
Such restlessness abandons sleep
By deeming it a pleasure cheap
As, deep inside, ideas creep
Within mind’s keep, within mind’s keep.
Lo! Death has reared himself a throne
By making weary every bone
And leaving not, unturned, a stone
To sleep postpone, to sleep postpone.
What’s that I see upon the lawn
As hours slip past the telltale yawn?
First light appears and thoughts are gone
With break of dawn, with break of dawn.

EXAM STRESS

I have been doing a little bit of study so that I am better equipped to teach Sunday School, and also for my own edification.

It's amazing though how as soon as exams are involved, things completely change. One would think I needed to pass this exam so as to continue to earn a living, to continue to attend church, or worse still, to continue to be a Christian. I really am a ridiculous person.

Anyway, God was very good to me and I was able to answer three of my prepared essay questions: the nature and work of the Holy Spirit; the doctrine of Justification by Faith; and the 'one, holy, catholic and apostolic church'.

Maybe I won't hit the 3 year olds with J.B.F on Sunday - but on the other hand, it's never to early to learn how entirely dependent we are on God's mercy and grace.

Loneliness

A bit of a recurring theme for me at the moment - Loneliness.

Sunday night is always the worst. After church (with so much on my mind), feeling desperately alone and facing the week ahead.

I need help. I am confused. I don't know how to live my life, manage my job, my health, my loneliness.

There is really only one thing to do. To " draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and may find grace to help in time of need. " Heb 4:16

Important to maintain a sense of humour, I think.

Getting what we deserve?

Several of my close friends have recently had babies. This has been really difficult for me.

Like most girls, I grew up expecting to marry and have a family. I came close to marriage once, but it wasn't to be. Without a husband, I feel that it must be some punishment from God. Am I so unloveable and undesirable?

As I am now unable to have children due to my illness, often I feel that God has dealt with me unfairly.

I think that I do not deserve to be lonely or childless, but in reality, I have no such entitlement. At no place in Scripture, does God promise that we will all be blessed with marriage and children.

He does however promise that as Christians, we belong to Him and belong to each other.

So whilst I do not have a husband, I am not alone. I have brothers and sisters in Christ. And whilst I have not borne children, I can love, care for, and minister to the children of my fellow Christians.

And I must praise God for that, and make the most of these opportunities (even if I am praising Him through my tears)

THE BEST BOOK BUY OF ALL TIME!!!!

I have been reading Knox's Justification By Faith. This must be the best book buy of all time (apart from Scripture of course). It cost me a grand total of $1.50 from Moore Books.

There is so much to take from this little booklet, but I have been particularly mulling over the section on works.

It will be no surprise to readers of this blog to hear that works have no place whatsoever, in justification.
In his letter to the Galations, Paul said that by attempting to observe the law as a way to gain merit the Galations were: severed from Christ; removed from God; fallen away from grace; disobedient to the truth; Christ would profit them nothing; and that they were not following the true Gospel. Harsh words indeed!

I know this. But I do not live it. Why do I keep returning to reliance on my own skills and abilities in an attempt to satisfy God?

I am so incredibly frustrated with myself.

Knowing I am unworthy, knowing that I have nothing to offer, what response can I make?

Psalm 116: 12 -13

How can I repay the LORD for all his goodness to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the LORD.

Birthday

This week I celebrated my 4th anniversary as a Christian. As I re-listen to the sermon through which I was converted, and re-read the subsequent letter I sent to my friend Jaime, who preached that day, there is much to contemplate.

It is near impossible to separate my spiritual journey from my illness. My diagnosis of Bipolar Affective Disorder shattered my concept of self and my place in the world, and dramatically altered my experience of God.

In my letter to Jaime, I wrote "I used to think that one had to earn salvation and that God tallied up our sins and other good deeds to decide whether we 'got in' or not. This ridiculous notion meant that I could never win God's love because my sinfulness always overpowered any good... The whole idea of grace is new to me, you see."

It's ironic, the works based mentality that kept me from relationship with God for so long, is still the thing struggle with.

I "work" hard at church and go to doctrine lectures to memorise "Simul justus et peccator". One may well ask has anything changed in four years?

Ultimately I must ask the question, can God accept a broken, subnormal woman, whose only thoughts are evil all the time, to be his child?