PSALM 23 - Complete

The LORD's my shepherd
God Almighty, the Creator, He who holds the universe in His hand, the King of Kings, the Lion of Judah, the Lord of armies, the great I AM, is my protector, my guard, my carer, my leader.

I shall not be in want
He knows what I need and what is good for me, and he provides all this. He allows me to flourish. In Him I am satisfied.

He leads me beside quiet waters
He brings me rest, refreshment, serenity. He stills my anxieties.

He restores my soul
He offers renewal. I draw strength from His presence, from His nearness. I am made whole in Him.

He guides me in paths of righteousness
He has a path mapped out for me. He walks beside me and shows me the way. His plan is to prosper me, to give me hope and a future.

For his name's sake
The way in which he cares for me shows His true nature - his justice and his mercy. In my walk with Him, I am but a mere reflection. All glory and honour is to Him.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
There are times of great distress, when I feel isolated and abandoned. It's then that the Black Dog bares his teeth and Satan prowls around. My fear overtakes me and you seem so far away.

I will fear no evil
Even when I can’t feel your presence, I must trust that you are there. You have kept your promises to your chosen people since the beginning of time, and you have kept your promises to me, time and again. You meter out the strength I need moment to moment. Because you are on my side, I know that the darkness will not be victorious. You have defeated death. You have overcome the world.

For you are with me
Wherever I go, you are with me. When I ride the crest of the highest wave - you are there. When I sink to the depths - you do not desert me. When the night is at its darkest you are closer to me than ever.

Your rod and staff they comfort me
You are my support, my rescuer, my guide and my protector. You bring warm, tender, gentle reassurance. You gather me in your arms and carry me close to your heart.

You prepare a table before me, in the presence of my enemies
You invite me to your banquet table where I revel in your presence. You lift me up – up above my adversaries, above my foes. You chain the Black Dog and you silence the Accuser.

You anoint my head with oil
You show me that I am your precious one, your honoured guest.

My cup overflows
You pour out your love. You pour out your grace. Your pour out your mercy. Your blessings overflow and will never run dry. I experience you intimately and I enjoy your lavish provision. I will never exhaust your love for me. I will never demand more than you can give.

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life
Your covenant promises - your love, your mercy and your grace are always with me. Even when in foolishness I try to run from you, you pursue me. You hold me tight and let nothing snatch me from your grasp.

And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever
I am yours today, tomorrow and forever. I have the gift of your Spirit within me and I await the day when you will wipe every tear from my eyes. I will hear you say “I am making everything new” and I will praise you in rapture evermore.

The Lord is my Shepherd Part II

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of the death
There are times of great darkness, when I feel trapped and alone. It's then that the Black Dog bares his teeth, my fear overtakes me and a loving God seems so far away.

I will fear no evil
Despite it all, I know you are faithful. You have kept your promises to your people since the beginning of time, and you have kept your promises to me. You give me the strength to face each moment and I know that you will catch me when I fall. Even when I don't feel your presence, I put my trust in you - for you are supremely powerful and when you are on my side, I have nothing to fear.

For you are with me
Whereever I go, you are with me. I know that the darker the shadow, the closer you are. If I ride the crest of the highest wave - You are there. If I sink to the depths - You are there. Even when, in my foolishness I thought I could run away from you, you have proved over again that you are always faithful and nothing can snatch me out of your hand.

Your rod and staff they comfort me
You are my support, my rescuer, my guide and my protector. You bring me warm, tender, gentle reassurance. You gather me in your arms and carry me close to your heart.

You prepare a table before me, in the presence of my enemies
You invite me to your banquet table, where I am your honored guest. You lift me up - above the hostile people and hostile circumstances all around me. The Accuser is silenced. The Black Dog is chained. We share an intimate time enjoying your lavish provision.

The Lord's my shepherd

The LORD's my shepherd
God Almighty, the Creator, He who holds the universe in His hand, the King of Kings, the Lion of Judah, the Lord of armies, the great I AM, is my protector, my guard, my carer, my leader.

I shall not be in want
He knows what I need and what is good for me. He allows me to flourish. In Him I am satisfied.

He leads me beside quiet waters
He brings me rest, refreshment, serenity. He stills my anxieties.

He restores my soul
He brings renewal. I draw strength from His presence, from His nearness. I am made whole in Him.

He guides me in paths of righteousness
He has a path mapped out for me. He walks beside me and shows me the way.

For his name's sake
The way he cares for me shows his true nature - his justice and his mercy. It brings glory and honour to Him.

What would it take for me to trust God?

Yeah I trust in You
I remember times you lead me
This time is bigger now
And I'm afraid you'll let me down
But how can I be certain
Will you prove yourself again

Cause I´m about to let go
And live what I believe
I can´t do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let Go (When let go)

What is this doubt in me
convincing me to fear the unknown
When I´m alone
You show Your plan is better than my own
And I know I won't make it
If I do this all alone

Cause I´m about to let go
And live what I believe
I can´t do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let go

Barlow Girl 'Let Go'

Learning to trust in The Good Shepherd

Psalm 23: 1-3 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Isaiah 40:11 He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.

Luke 12:32 “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.”

John 10: 14, 27-28 "I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me…. My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.”

Revelations 7: 17 For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

Psalm 51

You do not delight in sacrifice, or would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.
Psalm 51: 16-17


I feel raw, broken open.
I long for some reassurance that God does not despise me.
Intellectually, I know that reassurance is found at the foot of the cross.
Emotionally though, I am just so in need of restoration.
How long O Lord, will I lie broken before you?

Loneliness

"Loneliness is more than the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person. Loneliness is a feeling of being cut off, disconnected and alienated from other people. Lonely people often experience a subjective sense of inner emptiness or hollowness, with feelings of separation or isolation from the world." Wikipedia

Is loneliness an emotional state to be avoided or is loneliness a call to live completely for God?

The gospel of Jesus Christ

2 Corinthians 5:21
God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

31st August 2003 Conversion

Exactly 5 years ago today, after hearing Jaime preach a sermon on the Prodigal Son, I felt God calling me to be His daughter.

These last 5 years have been filled with such extremes (joy; despair; intimacy; loneliness; insecurity; love) that I barely know how to interpret my Christian life. But I have to ask myself, have I shed the old to embrace the new?

To quote Nouwen "Do I keep clutching my old ways of life with one hand, while with the other I beg people to help me change?"

To those who have grown accustom to my begging for help, I thank you for your love and support. I know that you are a wonderful gift from the Father.

More on 'The Prodigal Son'

'One of the greatest challenges of the spiritual life is to receive God's forgiveness. There is something in us humans that keeps us clinging to our sins and prevents us from letting God erase out past and offer us a completely new beginning. Sometimes it even seems as though I want to prove to God that my darkness is too great to overcome. While God wants to restore me to the fully dignity of sonship, I keep insisting that I will settle for being a hired servant. But do I truly want to be restored to the full responsibility of the son? Do I truly want to be so totally forgiven that a completely new way of living becomes possible? Do I trust myself and such a radical reclamation? Do I want to break away from by deep-rooted rebellion against God and surrender myself so absolutely to God's love that a new person can emerge? Receiving forgiveness requires a total willingness to let God be God and do all the healing, restoring and renewing.'

Henri Nouwen "The Return of the Progical Son"

The Return of the Prodigal Son

I am currently reading Henri Nouwen's 'The Return of the Prodigal Son'.

Through Nouwen's poignant treatment of the famous parable, I have been forced to confront what it means to let go of the old and let myself be held by a loving and forgiving God.

In my Father's arms...

"It is the place of light, the place of truth, the place of love. It is the place where I so much want to be, but am so fearful of being. It is the place where I will receive all that I desire, all that I ever hoped for, all that I will ever need, but it is also the place where I have to let go of all that I most want to hold on to. It is the place that confonts me with the fact that truly accepting love, forgiveness, and healing is often much harder than giving it. It is the place beyond earning, deserving, and rewarding. It is the place of surrender and complete trust"

God is holding on

Isaiah 49:16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.

John 10: 27-28 My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.

Liminal

Liminality (from the Latin word līmen, meaning "a threshold) is a psychological, neurological, or metaphysical subjective, conscious state of being on the "threshold" of or between two different existential planes. The liminal state is characterized by ambiguity, openness, and indeterminacy. One's sense of indentity dissolves to some extent, bringing about disorientation. Liminality is a period of transition where normal limits to thought, self-understanding, and behavior are relaxed - a situation which can lead to new perspectives.

Oh, to be loved and to belong...

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards and will the make the Valley of Achor a door of hope...I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one'. I will say to those called 'Not my people' 'You are my people' and they will say 'You are my God'."

Hosea 2: 14 -15, 23

Home enough to know I'm lost

The ice is thin enough for walkin'
The rope is worn enough to climb
My throat is dry enough for talkin'
The world is crumblin' but I know why
The world is crumblin' but I know why

The storm is wild enough for sailing
The bridge is weak enough to cross
This body frail enough for fighting
I'm home enough to know I'm lost
Home enough to know I'm lost

It's just enough to be strong
In the broken places, in the broken places
It's just enough to be strong
Should the world rely on faith tonight

The land unfit enough for planting
Barren enough to conceive
Poor enough to gain the treasure
Enough a cynic to believe
Enough a cynic to believe

Confused enough to know direction
The sun eclipsed enough to shine
Be still enough to finally tremble
And see enough to know I'm blind
And see enough to know I'm blind

Should the world rely on faith tonight

Jars of Clay 'Faith Enough'

What you find at the bottom of the pit.

It can be quite surprising what you find in the depths of depression - there hidden under the physical pain, masked by the overwhelming sense of loss... If you lie very still you just might find the most precious thing in the whole world.
To quote Max Lucado, "You'll never know that Jesus is all you need, until Jesus is all you've got".

Where do i go from here????????

Well it's been 2 months since my last post and much has happened: Christmas; Kids' Mission; Summer Holiday; beginning of a new year at work.

As is the case with poorly controlled bipolar disorder, nothing has been easy. I have damaged friendships; not looked after myself as I should; felt distant from God; and I have given up the children's ministry which sustained me for so long.

I have been jealous when I should have been rejoicing, and selfish when I should have been loving.

I am lonely even amongst the love of family and friends, and I am broken even despite the healing power of our great God.

Where do I go from here ???