I am reading Henri Nouwen’s book “The Return of the Prodigal Son”. It has been the source of much contemplation over the past week.
Today I return to the question ‘How can I trust God?’
I can not make myself feel loved. I can not forgive myself. I can not welcome myself in. I can not invite myself to the feast. I can not even bring myself home.
Being the beloved is a gift. I can desire it, hope for it, wait for it and pray for it. But I can not create it. It must be given to me.
I am lost. I must be found and brought home by the shepherd that goes out to me.
"Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?" (Luke 15 : 4)
Friday 12 June 2009
Wednesday 10 June 2009
Trusting in God's love
Why do I find it so hard to trust in God’s love for me?
I remember even at the moment of my conversion I was afraid - afraid that God would let go of me. On many, many occasions since then, God has proven himself to be faithful. He has shown that his grasp on me is strong - that even when I reject him, he stays by my side.
"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand." John 10:27-28.
But still I doubt...
What if I finally make it home to find the Father not eagerly awaiting my return?
What if instead of welcoming me in he says 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.' (Matthew 25: 41-43)
Author Henri Nouwen suggests that surrendering to the Father's love requires a leap of faith because we have very little experience in unconditional love and don't know the healing power of this kind of love.
I have been blessed by the most wonderful loving family and some amazing friends. I know I am well loved. But is this human love conditional or more importantly do I believe it is conditional.
What about God?
God knows everything about me. Nothing is hidden from him.
Psalm 139: 1-4 “ O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.”
God is holy. He abhors sin. So how can he see beyond the pretence and look at the evil in my heart yet still love me.
Intellectually I know that the answer to this question is found at the foot of the cross.
"I do believe. Help me to overcome my unbelief” (Mark 9:24)
Tuesday 9 June 2009
Scum of the earth
1 Corinthians 4: 10 - 13
“We are fools for Christ, but you are so wise in Christ! We are weak, but you are strong! You are honored, we are dishonored! To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless. We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. Up to this moment we have become the scum of the earth, the refuse of the world.”
Am I willing to be like Paul – to be a considered a fool for Christ? Am I prepared to be on life’s scrap-heap? Am I ready to put aside the things of this world, the things I have built up and relied on, the things that tell me I’m worthwhile, that I am somebody?
Who is Jill without the world props of work and position and money and deeds?
I am a child of the Father – that is who I am and that is everything. One day I will hear the Lord say 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.’
Why then do I act like it isn’t enough?
Why do I need to safeguard against failure? Why do I want to have a backup plan?
Do I not trust that God’s love is strong enough to carry me through? Do I not believe that his grace is greater than my sinfulness?
What kind of God do I trust in?
“We are fools for Christ, but you are so wise in Christ! We are weak, but you are strong! You are honored, we are dishonored! To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless. We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. Up to this moment we have become the scum of the earth, the refuse of the world.”
Am I willing to be like Paul – to be a considered a fool for Christ? Am I prepared to be on life’s scrap-heap? Am I ready to put aside the things of this world, the things I have built up and relied on, the things that tell me I’m worthwhile, that I am somebody?
Who is Jill without the world props of work and position and money and deeds?
I am a child of the Father – that is who I am and that is everything. One day I will hear the Lord say 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.’
Why then do I act like it isn’t enough?
Why do I need to safeguard against failure? Why do I want to have a backup plan?
Do I not trust that God’s love is strong enough to carry me through? Do I not believe that his grace is greater than my sinfulness?
What kind of God do I trust in?
Monday 8 June 2009
The Prodigal Daughter
The parable of the prodigal son has always held a special meaning for me. It was the passage through which God spoke into my heart at my conversion, and it is rich with symbolism as I walk the long and arduous road which is the Christian life.
The pain of being far away in a distant land, feeling wretched and desolate is real. As is the desperate longing to be home. I yearn to be embraced by the father, to be held secure and to hear him say "You are my beloved daughter, on you my favour rests".
And yet, it is I who have left the safety of home, I who continue to leave it. I am the rebellious one who has turned away.
The father waits with outstretched arms, looking for any sign of me returning. The blessings he has for me are mine for the taking.
If what I ache for is there waiting for me, why don't I run home with all my might? Why am I still stranded out here all alone?
Wednesday 3 June 2009
Luke 8: 42 - 48 As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, but no one could heal her. She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped.
"Who touched me?" Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you."
But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me."
Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."
Longing to be called daughter
Longing to be at peace
"Who touched me?" Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you."
But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me."
Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."
Longing to be called daughter
Longing to be at peace
Wednesday 4 February 2009
My response to Psalm 73
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