So this whole business of submitting to God - my thinking so far is that I must believe God is faithful, must trust that his plans are to prosper me and not to harm me, must permit him to guide me and must yield to him in every moment of every day.
As I said in an earlier post, I have felt convicted not to pray for healing but to pray that I would submit my whole self to God that I may be used to bring him glory. My illness forms part of my whole self and in order to submit to God, there are aspects of my depression and hypomania I must actively strive to control. By God's grace I must avoid the sins of self-indulgence, the sins of excess, the sins of self-pity and the sins of laziness and instead turn to God's word for guidance and rebuke .
It's easy to say "Take me Father Use me Father I am yours", but what about when it's uncomfortable, when it takes effort, when it's hard, when it makes me cry, when I just can't do it anymore. What then???
Then I must go to bed and wake up the next morning and say "Take me Father Use me Father I am yours"
There is however one aspect of Bipolar Disorder that I'm not sure about. I don't know whether I should be submitting this to God. For want of a better term it's the "dark night of the soul". A state I have found myself in which I can only describe as the panicked desperation of knowing the absence of anything good. No presence of God. No promises of renewed grace and mercy in the morning. I find it hard to believe that the thoughts, visions and plans which come in this state are from God. They are certainly a sign of an unwell mind, but are they also a sign of some spiritual warfare?
It's getting late so tonight I just pray...... Dear Father, Because of your love for me do not allow me to be consumed, Please renew your mercies tomorrow to allow me to say "Take me Father Use me Father, I am yours".
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5 comments:
One of the lessons of Job is that there aren't necessarily easy nor complete answers to anything that life throws at us. Part of faith is being able to accept that God may not ever give us the answers we desire. This is not to say that trust in God is some kind of "coping mechanism". Rather, trust in God for who he is, for his grace. Maybe he will reveal something of the reasons of your plight, or, as in Job's case, simply reveal himself to you, which, for some ears, would be strangely unsatisfying, but for Job, was enough, even if he never got the answer to his question "Why me God?"
We do such a good job of hidding so much from those around us, we don't want to be the one who is too emotional, or too disturbingly dark. But we are not hidden from God, he holds us in these times whether we submit or not, waiting for us to relax into his arms.
Thanks for your comments guys
Jason: I think the great lesson from Job is that Job always turned his questions to God. He might not have understood what was happening, or got an answer, but at least he was addressing his questions to the right 'person' - he didn't doubt God's sovereignty.
I think answers are better found in Ecclesiastes.
"Again I saw that under the sun the race is not to the swift, nor the batttle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, not riches to the intelligent, nor favor to the skillful; but time and change happen to them all." Ecc 9:11.
Why not Job? Why not me?
Unfortunately, although true, that's not always very satisfying
L: I agree that we are not hidden from God, but I think there are times when He is hidden from us
Isaiah 45:15 "Truly you are a God who hides himself. O God and Saviour of Israel."
It's hard for me to understand why he would hide himself from us at times.
I don't think Ecclesiastes provides any more answers than Job does. I think the questions are different too. It's more - "If the world is this crazy, what should I do? Why should I bother?" The "answer" lies in chapter 12 - fear God and obey his commandments. What kind of answer is that? It's certainly not easy. 1-11 is more the think-out-loud observations and reflections of life monologue to the reflections and observations of life dialogues of Job v. friends of Job. Things happen, some things are better than others, but we all die, and so, what is left for man under the sun than to honour God?
And to hijack the hiding thing, I think it's an expression of God's transcendence. Somethings we just can't see because of our view from here. Sometimes we just need the eyes to see - "I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear,
but now my eye sees you;"
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